The Joys of Reading
by catharticdeficit
Summary: Las Noches has caught the romance novel bug! And it seems that Ulquiorra has taken an interest as well though it wasn't for the books--more for someone else. UlquiGrimm Yaoi


**Summary: **Grimmjow has started to read romance novels. And it seems that Ulquiorra has taken an interest as well though it wasn't for the books--more for someone else. UlquiGrimm Yaoi

_Now for something unexpected and very sexy (in my opinion anyway) Everyone in here is OOC, so please don't harp on me about it. I just wanna write Ulquiorra and Grimmjow this way so sue me. :P_

Beta by Kalachuchi. Thanks a lot!

--

_Maria stared at her master, her amber eyes reflecting the dim lights of the fireplace as licentious dark orbs bore at her body and soul. _

_She shivered, the crisp night air enveloping her in its chilly embrace. But oh, oh how his eyes managed to melt the frozen tears that pierced her skin like the sharpest of daggers._

"_Master," she breathed heavily, her voice caressing every bit of him and made the most pleasurable tingle race down south as he, in turn, never averted his dark gaze on her ample body._

_She was perfect. So perfect, and tonight, she would be his._

_He gathered her in his arms harshly, revelling in feel of her body so close to him at last. It was as if she made to fit him perfectly._

_He couldn't hold it in any longer. He had to have her._

_Ronaldo lowered his face to hers, his lips attacking hers voraciously as if seeming to want to suck her very essence…._

Grimmjow put the book down, a scowl planted firmly in his face.

What the hell? They were talking about the guy killing about someone one second, to stuffing their tongues in each other's throats the next? What happened to the entrancing discussion about blood and gore? _That_ was more appealing in Grimmjow's opinion.

He threw the book away, not caring as it landed in a heap on the stone floor. He had been so bored lately that he even took to reading the books that that woman had so cheerfully given him.

Where had she gotten the books in the first place? Grimmjow thought absently. They were still in Hueco Mundo, were they not? Unless she had somebody running errands for her, which was very unlikely, he couldn't think of a reason how she came to the books.

Yet as he visited her room just a couple of hours ago, books were literally everywhere on the floor. And most of them were just like the one he was reading: busty, half-naked women on the cover being swooned by sweaty, half-naked guys. The woman told him that they were called romance novels.

Inoue had then taken thirty minutes explaining to him what romance novels were. Or what the hell romance was.

Which had led him to ask, "So, to humans these useless emotions are just to basically stave off boredom and loneliness?"

The woman had then told him that it wasn't so. And it was absolutely the best feeling in the world, she rambled on. To be in love, and be loved in return! Oh, what bliss, what glory….

A zanpakuto that had violently imbedded itself in the wall beside her cut off her babbling. Grimmjow had stood before her, killing aura and bloodlust radiating off his every pore.

"One more word, woman," he had begun dangerously, "And so help me Aizen, I will cut off your tongue. Fuck the plans and this Aizen-damned war."

In his mind, he was blaming all of this on Ulquiorra. That damned fucker just had to up and leave for Karakura, leaving him with this annoying woman. Truth be told, Grimmjow was the only arrancar in the whole of Las Noches who could be known not to hurt the noisy woman.

It was basically because he didn't care about her enough to even waste his time trying to kill her.

But instead of shutting up completely as Grimmjow would have liked, the woman had started to rifle through her piles of books and had handed him one particularly dog-eared copy.

"This is one of my absolute favourites!" she had gushed, pushing the book into his unwilling hands. "When you read this, you will understand what love and romance are all about!"

"Stupid woman," he had groaned yet didn't resist as the book was shoved into his palms. "Why the fuck are you doing this? You do know that I could kill you right now, right?"

Inoue had just smiled knowingly. "Because I know that you're bored and this should pass the time. Tell me when you finish and want more books, okay?" She had led him out of her room before he could even blink.

He had taken a good long look at the book in his hands. It was a red, thin tome with a picture of a busty brunette lying out in the sand while some idiotic jackass obviously pumped on steroids leered over her. Shrugging, he had opened the first page as he made his way back to his own room.

Grimmjow stared at the book thrown on his floor before standing up and picking it up again. He went out of his room, flipping the pages idly as he read the continuation of the story.

"Ronaldo's deft fingers slowly removed the binds that held Maria's corset together, his every touch on her skin seeming like hellfire on her senses. Her breath hitched as his hands slid lower and lower, and couldn't stop the gasp that tore from her throat as he reached that special…." a voice intoned huskily behind Grimmjow.

Grimmjow barely managed to stop himself from screaming yet couldn't hold himself back when he jumped ten feet in the air

literally, the book in one hand and his zanpakuto in the other.

"Fuck! You goddamned bastard Ulquiorra!" he screamed in total fury. "You fucking never sneak up one me like that again, you hear or I'll tear out your fucking throat through your fucking nostril!"

Ulquiorra just stared at him impassively. "I was merely reading along to what you were reading." A ghost of a smirk flitted on his lips. "An interesting choice for literature, I might say. Besides, if you really are a high-level arrancar, you should have noticed my reiatsu when I approached. You really are getting weaker, Grimmjow Jaegerjacques."

Grimmjow fought the furious blush that went to his cheeks. "Fuck you, Ulquiorra!" He pointed his zanpakuto at the other arrancar. "You stay the hell away from me from now on, you son of a bitch!" Without further ado, he shouldered his sword and went out of the castle for the desolate plains outside.

He didn't catch the full-blown smirk that appeared in Ulquiorra's lips.

_What an ingenious plan you have just given me, my Grimmjow, _the quatra Espada thought amusedly as he followed the same path the blue-haired arrancar took.

_You are just too cute to be left alone._

--

The next few days passed and Grimmjow spent most of his days lazing about the castle or outside his nose buried in one book or the other. It wasn't as if he truly enjoyed reading, but more for the fact that as he read, time passed more quickly. Soon, he was raiding Inoue's stash on a regular basis and was seen to leave the woman's room early in the morning with at least ten books at a time and return them in the evening, only to come out with the same, if not more number of books to be read through the night.

But Grimmjow found that his favourite was the very first one he read, _The Master's Servant _starring Marie the voluptuous vixen who has managed to catch the attention of her handsome and insatiable master, Ronaldo.

The sword-fights, the violence, the blood, the entrails, the palpable tension between the two main characters whenever they were in the same room together. And most of all the blood!

One thing Grimmjow couldn't understand in the book was the sex. Grimmjow had known enough about the human world to know that it was some form of mating ritual that consisted of a lot of bodily fluids all for the sake of procreation and populate their already dying planet with more of their disgusting progeny.

But the way the books told it, it was as if some form of sacred practice that would always lead to the heroes falling in love with each other. Now that's stupid. He had asked the woman about it but as soon as sex had fallen from his lips, she had blushed heavily and began to rant about the birds and the bees and the flowers.

_What the hell? _

Disgusted and annoyed at her incomprehensible babbling, he went out in search of someone who would explain things a bit more in depth for him.

There were the other espada but he'd rather cut off his own limb than ask anyone of them. Nnoitra alone was creepy enough.

So that left one person. Grimmjow went for the throne room, hoping that he would find Aizen there and that bastard better answer his questions completely! He was sick of feeling so confused every time he read his books.

"Aizen-sama!" he hollered but the room was empty. "What the fuck? Where is he?"

"Looking for Aizen, Grimmjow?" an eerie voice called out from the back of the throne.

"Gin," growled Grimmjow irritably. He really hated this guy with the creepy smile--wait, is that even a smile?

"Aizen is not here at the moment, but maybe I can help," the ex-shinigami said easily and in a flash was in front of the arrancar.

Grimmjow only snorted. "No thanks. Not interested in your help. You won't be able to answer my question anyway."

Gin just continued to grin in that disturbing manner of his. "Oh? Try me."

Grimmjow bit back a nasty retort. This guy could probably answer his question. Wasn't he a shinigami? Those dolts hung out in the human world long enough to know of these things.

"I can't understand sex," Grimmjow blurted out before he could stop himself.

Gin's grin grew smaller before snapping back full force and a delighted chuckle escaped from him.

"Oh, Grimmjow, you are just too precious!" he howled, wishing that Aizen or Tousen were here to witness this.

"Just shut the fuck up and answer the question!" snapped Grimmjow, very close to unsheathing his Pantera and slashing the smirk off the bastard's face.

"Well, you see," Gin choked, "when a man and woman love each other…."

"I already know that shit!" interrupted Grimmjow then brandished the book in front of the former shinigami, opening it on the steamy scene. "What I can't get is this thing here. I thought that sex was supposed to be used for human trash to populate. But it clearly isn't the point here."

Gin read the lines and promptly collapsed to the floor, roaring in laughter about precious virginal arrancars and the espada needing something called sex education.

Grimmjow left the room in a rush, afraid for his sanity for the first time.

If he was disturbed before about Gin's amusement at his question, he was certainly scared shitless at the sight of the shinigami rolling in the floor in laughter.

It was just so wrong.

--

Grimmjow was in the (mercifully) empty throne room when he sensed the presence of people passing through the room but never coming in. Before, he would have hidden his precious book away in case the bitches made fun of his love for the romance novels, but since it seemed that the whole of Las Noches had gotten into the romance novel bug, nobody could really care less.

Hell, if they haven't read what he was reading, they'd rip it off his hands so they could read it too.

Although the sight of Aizen incredibly absorbed in the affairs of an English Baron with the milkman's daughter gave the Espada nightmares for quite a while. Grimmjow had to bash his head against a wall to get rid of the memory of Aizen screaming in the throne room, "Alexander you damned prick! Why did you choose Eleanor? The incredibly hot and sexy William is more for you! I want hot gay sex, is that so wrong?!" And without warning, there was a large hole in the middle of the throne room, a low-grade cero courtesy of the fuming Aizen.

They even found the books in Braille format for Tousen!

None of the espada were quite the same after that; neither was Gin nor Tousen. From then on, instead of being plastered to Aizen's side as they were wont to do in the throne room, they maintained a respectable--i.e. far--distance from their leader.

For fuck's sake, Aizen better not discover soap operas or the damned war against the shinigami would be totally lost and forgotten on the man, Grimmjow thought irritably.

However, there was one arrancar who clearly didn't catch the lovin' for the trashy romance books: Ulquiorra. He said that it was made by trash, ergo, it was also trash. The vein that pulsed on Aizen's forehead at the blatant insult on his Alexander-sama was alarming.

Grimmjow had in front of him _The Master's Servant_, his eyes glued to the smutty pages. He read each line over and over, dissecting it. No matter how many times he tried to understand it, he never could come up with a logical conclusion.

He asked the captive woman about it again and she had explained that if he wanted to know more, there was something in the human world called television, MTV, and hentai. Before he could force her to elucidate more, he was pushed unceremoniously out of her room, saying that it was time for her to read more about the latest conquests of Imogene and her swash-buckling pirate.

"Damn," Grimmjow growled, more than annoyed as he slammed the book shut. "This is getting me nowhere."

He lay on his back and closed his eye for a short nap. Thinking about it gave him a headache and he had never felt so tired--even after fighting that stupid orange-haired shinigami boy. Strange hair colour much?

He hadn't closed his eyes for more than a few seconds when a voice spoke above him.

"You know that it is futile to think about something you undoubtedly could never understand even in a hundred years, Grimmjow," said Ulquiorra disdainfully.

"Shut the fuck up," barked Grimmjow but with a bit of weariness in his voice. "I don't need your bullshit right now. Now go away like the good lapdog that you are and leave me the fuck alone."

Ulquiorra just smirked. He whispered so softly that Grimmjow barely caught it.

"I'll make you tremble at my touch, and moan at my voice." Then the Quatra Espada left, leaving a bewildered Grimmjow in his wake.

_Did he just quote _The Master's Servant _on me?_

--

Grimmjow spent the next few days basically avoiding Ulquiorra in between reading and the shinigami-are-weak-bastards-and-so-must-die meetings of the Espada.

But it was getting harder and harder as the arrancar took to being everywhere Grimmjow went. If he was hanging out in the throne room, Ulquiorra would be there, just staring impassively at him as he read. When he was down giving his precious Pantera a good work-out in preparation for the war, the other one was also about to train even though in the past he had found it unnecessary.

If arrancar needed to take a pee, he knew that that bastard would think of a way to slip into the toilet with him.

But most of all, Grimmjow couldn't take the strange looks Ulquiorra's been giving him. He couldn't describe them, but still they gave him the creeps. Somehow, he was smart enough to know that this was something more dangerous than imminent death--like something important to him is going to be taken. What? His Pantera or his copy of _The Master's Servant_?

"Somehow, you staring into nothingness has become your trademark look these past few days, Grimmjow Jaegerjacques," said Ulquiorra suddenly from behind him, breaking his thoughts. "Then again, you've got the blank, idiotic look down to an art."

"You fucking incorrigible bastard," snarled Grimmjow. He really wanted to smash the asshole's face in.

"Ah, you've learned a new word, congratulations. I better inform Stark of this. I bet that you only had swear words in your vocabulary. I need to buy that memory foam pillow for him then…." The fourth Espada trailed off, seemingly lost in thought.

"Little dipshit!" screamed the blue-haired arrancar. "You…what's the deal with you anyway? You've been practically stalking me, giving me these weird looks, and quoting Ronaldo in my face!" He unsheathed Pantera, his reiatsu palpable to anyone within a ten-mile radius.

"And here I thought you were intelligent enough to know of my intentions," continued Ulquiorra. His face betrayed nothing yet there was disappointment in his voice.

Grimmjow, having had enough, lunged for the other one, but Ulquiorra caught the released zanpakuto easily with his bare hand and without breaking a sweat, flung it aside where it sank to the floor nearly to the hilt.

"Bastard!" said Grimmjow, making for his Pantera.

"I have heard that you had some…questions regarding the books you've been reading," said Ulquiorra conversationally, as if the past few seconds hadn't happened at all.

"What the fuck of it?" said Grimmjow. "Are you saying that you know about sex?" He scoffed, folding his arms, his Pantera almost forgotten.

Ulquiorra smirked--the first show of emotion Grimmjow has ever seen in him. His jaw actually dropped at seeing that smirk.

_And what a sexy smirk it is…. _Then his brain promptly shut down in pure embarrassment at the mere thought.

"I'm afraid I can't tell you what it is," said Ulquiorra, taking a step forward towards him. Grimmjow instinctively took a step back. "I could, however, show it to you."

"Show it to me? How? You getting a partner and performing it in front of me?"

The look Ulquiorra gave him was scarier than the image of Aizen and Nnoitra wearing tutus and dancing to Tchaikovsky.

Grimmjow nearly had a heart attack just thinking about it.

Grimmjow's back slammed to a wall as he realised he'd been backing the whole time. Ulquiorra was smaller than him but for some reason, he felt as if the other arrancar towered over him.

Ulquiorra by now was seriously in his personal space and he could feel the fourth's reiatsu washing over him at their close proximity.

"No, I'd much rather you have…hands-on experience on the matter as well, so to speak," answered Ulquiorra hoarsely.

"Ulqui…" he choked, the strong reiatsu overcoming his senses like never before. It should have made him howl in bloodlust but instead it made him incapable of breathing suddenly and his mind was suddenly fuzzy.

"Ronaldo's hands trailed a path of fire on her pliant body," said Ulquiorra softly, quoting directly from Grimmjow's favourite book. "She shivered in anticipation as those talented fingers danced across her quivering skin."

And to Grimmjow's absolute horror, Ulquiorra matched his words with actions, his fingers softly touching Grimmjow's nearly naked torso. He felt his breath hitch at the advance.

"But for Maria it wasn't enough," continued Schiffer in that strangely hypnotic voice he'd adopted. "She wanted more and Ronaldo was more than willing to give in to her wishes. His head lowered to hers, intent on giving her a kiss…."

Ulquiorra's face tipped up and Grimmjow snapped. He gave a manly shriek and flash-stepped his way out of there to the safety of his room.

He was still trying to catch his breath and getting rid of the weird tingles in his body when he sensed that he wasn't alone in the room.

"Ulquiorra!" Grimmjow was close to panicking now. "How did you get here before me? Never mind that but you've got one second to get outta here before I cero your pale ass out!"

Without warning, Grimmjow found himself pushed to his bed short of being bodily thrown on it. He looked up to find the other arrancar slowly making his way towards him with an indecipherable look on his face.

Ulquiorra hovered above him in all fours, their faces just a few inches from each other.

"What the fuck are you doing?" asked Grimmjow in a last ditch attempt to save his rapidly disappearing sanity. "This is what they call rape, isn't it?"

Ulquiorra just smirked again before whispering close to his ear, "You can't rape the willing." He licked the shell of Grimmjow's ear, eliciting a shudder from the blue-haired arrancar. "Now where were we before you so found it interesting to run away? Ah, yes… As soon as their lips met, the fire spread everywhere, leaving Maria breathless beyond compare…."

The moment their lips met, Grimmjow felt…strange. But when he felt a tongue press on his lips, he gasped and it slid easily in his mouth, moving around as if mapping it. He moaned when their tongues met and Ulquiorra saw that opportunity to deepen the kiss even further as he tangled his around the other man's. Grimmjow tasted so good, so unlike his personality.

Grimmjow relaxed by degrees as the kiss went on and Ulquiorra decided to withdraw, a fine strand of saliva connecting their mouths together before breaking off and landing in their chins.

"Ronaldo's lips then moved on to her jaw, to her neck, to her chest, worshipping every inch of her golden skin that he could reach," narrated Ulquiorra though his voice was breathless.

_So he's affected by that kiss as well, _thought Grimmjow hazily. _Glad to know that I'm not the only one._

An involuntary moan escaped his throat as Ulquiorra followed his words, trailing the path of kisses on his body.

_Are we having sex now? _His mind was groggy but it wasn't like when he was shot by a good attack from the enemy type of grogginess. He felt so hot and aware yet strangely so calm.

When Ulquiorra reached the hemline of his hakama though, he stopped.

"What?" asked Grimmjow.

Ulquiorra looked up at him. "What happens next?"

"Next? What do you mean next? Aren't you the one who's supposed to know about this stuff?"

Ulquiorra just stared at him impatiently. "I mean in the book, idiot."

Grimmjow gaped before his higher cognitive functions finally kicked in. He grabbed his copy of the novel from the back of his hakama and flipped to the page Ulquiorra was reciting from.

"Ronaldo's hands made short work of Maria's clothing, slipping off her jacket and his lips resting on the skin it revealed…."

Ulquiorra removed Grimmjow's top and rained kisses on his shoulders and chest.

Grimmjow groaned. "I…I don't think I can read with you doing that."

"Unless you want me to stop completely, you will read the rest of that," murmured Ulquiorra against his skin.

"Maria watched…as Ronaldo removed the rest of his clothes, drinking in his lithe form as he loomed over…o-over her…like a demi-god…" Grimmjow gulped as Ulquiorra started to remove his own top. "S-sent for her…alone…."

"Like what you see?" said Ulquiorra teasingly.

Grimmjow hid his face behind the book; he was really blushing like mad. "Unable…to…argh…to stop herself, Maria grabbed…ha…Ronald in for a…ah, yes…fiery kiss…. Ah, fuck this stupid book! Take me right now, Ulquiorra or so help me Aizen I will castrate you!" He threw the book with such force it practically embedded onto the stone wall.

Ulquiorra couldn't hide his satisfied grin anymore as he was grabbed bodily by the arrancar and their lips crushed together in a bruising, delightful, demanding kiss that incited moans from both men.

Ulquiorra smirked down at Grimmjow.

"I thought the line went as 'Ravish me'…."

"Shut up," commanded Grimmjow, pulling him in again and Ulquiorra was more than happy to do just that.

--

Three figures stood in the middle of the darkened room.

A voice spoke.

"Woman, your services have been greatly useful and appreciated. The book plan is a resounding success. As agreed upon, you will find a large supply of red bean paste in your room at your disposal. Should you require more ingredients, please contact me."

Inoue Orihime gave a delighted squeal. "So it really worked, then? Good for you, Ulqui-san! You must be very happy."

A ghost of a smile flitted across the fourth's lips as he thought of his recent activity with a particular blue-haired arrancar. Yes, he was more than satisfied.

"And don't forget that I was the one who thought of this plan," interrupted the third being in the room, Gin.

Ulquiorra smirked. "Of course. You are handsomely compensated as well." He handed the former shinigami a package. "You will find all the things you have listed in there." He gave Inoue and Gin a small smile. "It was a pleasure doing business with you."

Gin fingered the package in his hands. Now that he had the proper equipment, it was his turn to play.

It would surely be a great pleasure to teach Aizen the joys of gay bondage sex.

--

**End**

**A/N: **Oh, my God, I can't believe I just wrote that. This is the result of a great lack of sleep and too much sugar. I might make a sequel but only if a lot of people ask for it. Ending sucks, but I was stuck.

**Disclaimer: **My bum is still smoking from that nasty cero Grimmjow gave me when I told him that Ulquiorra is mine.


End file.
